PG-13, 2 hr. 10 min. Directed By:
Peter Berg. Release Date:
May 18, 2012.,
This is going to be a long post. Battleship
created an internal debate the likes of which I haven’t seen in a very long
while, and before the movie was over, I felt like those two old guys from the
Muppets, which is not a look (or feel) I’d want to keep. It was better than I’d thought it would be,
but not as good as I would have liked, and I’m not entirely sure I “liked” the
movie, although there were parts I thought were great. I’m going to split this into two
mini-reviews: the first my head
reaction, the second my gut, because my responses were wildly conflicting, and
I feel the need to explain why.
So, without further ado:
MAH HEAD
If you are a “film snob,” a fan of fine acting, melodrama,
well-crafted story lines or plots, have ever served in the United States Navy, or
wanted this to actually have something to do with Hasbro game outside of a
fifteen minutes of action, then you’ll want to avoid this like they’re giving
away the herp free with your ticket purchase.
I’ve coined the term “fawful” using the same hybridization
that birthed “fugly,” and fawful is the word to describe the entire cast. Taylor Kitch, Kirshc, Kutcher, whatever his
name is very obviously more comfortable with those roles where he can talk
about his abs. Rihanna spends the entire
movie running and mugging the camera in the same way she does on her album
covers. We all know (except possibly for
Chris Brown) that she thinks she’s a badass, and it’s already way played
out. Even Liam Neeson, who has only a
few intermittent minutes of screen time is terrible, barely trying to have an “American”
accent. I kept flashing back to that Family Guy cut scene where he uses words
like “fortnight” and “meter.”
If you’ve been in the Navy, even if you were (like me) a
concrete Sailor, you’ll realize there’s a whole lot about the shipboard
operations that was off. You realize
that someone like the younger Hopper brother doesn’t get arrested for B&E
and end up an officer in a few weeks, no matter what else is in his
background. You also realize that he’s
looking at something like three to five years of service before he picks up his
train tracks. The movie makes it seem like
he just appeared as a full lieutenant, which was ultimate fail.
The special effects, both the pyrotechnics and the “alien”
tech are pretty awesome. The combat
sequences are better than I would have hoped for given the inspiration. The aliens themselves were terrible. They were somehow too human, even though they
were only humanoid. I also have to
wonder why a people who are photosensitive would be incapable of making technology
that didn’t generate so much light. A winning choice was also made to not take this movie so seriously. The first 20 minutes or so are hysterical, and the dialogue helps the cast poke fun at the movie throughout. There was even a "you sank my battleship reference" in addition to the one I shouted out about thirty minutes in.
MAH GUT
It was nice to see both the military and the VA painted in a
positive light. It’s been a few years
since we’ve seen either body portrayed with its successes in mind, rather than
its failure. I didn’t love my six years
of service, but I do believe in the mission, and I think we get so caught up in
bringing out the worst of our fighting men and women that we sometimes forget
about the fact that they risk their lives for us when the need arises.
I’m a secret patriot, despite my country’s flaws, I love
it. I’ve said that before. This movie shows us at our idealistic
best. I got all emotional a couple of
times, the first one being when the vets show up. I do LOVE those old guys who can talk about
WWII and Korea. I was also pretty happy
to see that they didn’t make light of the… “VFW” style of veterans that we see
around; the ones who still wear the wedge cap and their old uniforms. I suddenly wish I had enjoyed my time in
enough to keep a uniform (I always did like the working dress whites), and I
also wish they hadn’t waited until the year after I separated to make cammies
the new working uniforms. D’OH!
OVERALL
Battleship has
some great moments, but it isn’t a great movie.
It might be fun for the kids, but note that there’s a LOT of violence,
and a lot of aliens stalking up on humans, determining if they’re going to be
killed or not. Use your best
judgment.
